Crash and burn

Hi there.  Wow, it's been way too long since I've posted and kept up with this journal that is supposed to be done daily.  I had three excellent days, then 4 really bad days and during all of that time, I think I only posted once.  Horrible way to keep track of how things are going.  OMGoodness I feel so guilty.  First of all let's look back a little bit and see the differences.  When I was feeling well, I was barely drinking any coffee.  I had 1 full cup at the maximum and finished it fairly early in the day.  Since the few days where I felt really good, I have again, increased my coffee intake.  2.  When I was feeling good, I cut way back on the pain meds.  Had to add no extra Opanas, Lorazies, or anything really, but maybe a Promethisone (Phenergyn) a day.  Can't quite remember.  Since I've been in pain I increased my doses, in fact yesterday I had a total of 3 Oxys!!!  I went from 0 per day to 3 in one day due to horrible knee pain which I attribute either to overuse or to the coffee consumption.  Not sure which/both/either/none had a part to do with my awful knee pain, but it was enough to totally make me crazy.  3.  Other things that have changed are that I have spend way too much money on things I didn't have to have and now I'm feeling super guilty and angry with myself for doing so and rather than just stopping, I still look and find things I want to buy and it's out of control.  I have to stop myself or I will go insane.  I'm trying to balance out my behavior by selling things as fast as I can get them listed, but they are not moving quick enough and our house is filled with boxes of stuff that is listed and not sold.  Ugh!  Stress is just piling up like crazy and I don't even know where to begin.  4.  I have a huge project that was due tomorrow and I didn't even start it over the weekend due to the fact that yesterday (Sat.) I was so extremely tired I didn't even get out of bed all day.  All I wanted to do was sleep and I was in lots of pain.  Well today (Sun.) I got up at 1ish and out of bed by 2:15 or so then went to my friend's house, dealt with some stress over there and then came home only to have a lot more stress dumped on my by having a much needed personal conversation with the hubs.  Stress, stress, and more stress.  Do you see a pattern here?  Anyways, the days I felt good... Wed., Thurs., Friday, I went places on Thurs., helped my assistant all day Friday until I started having pain by 3:30 in the afternoon and since then, I've been down for the count.  Pain and tiredness and not to mention intense anger, not like fighting anger, but just mad at the situation and the since of being overwhelmed by everything right now.  I feel like I'm caught in a viscous cycle with my life in general.  I had two or three days and I said I was ok with that and wouldn't be upset when the pain came back because I knew it would, but I guess I am upset.  Moreso with the fact that I didn't get anything done this weekend that I had hoped I would get done.  No crafting, no organizing, no preparing for my trip, barely any laundry, no correspondence, just everything.  Oh yeah, there is some shopping I must do within a day or so and I haven't even begun to look at that.  My room is a disaster and I need it cleaned before I can rest peacefully.  There is just too much clutter right now and nowhere for it all to go.  I have zillions of books and magazines to read and none of them are getting read.  Instead, I'd rather watch TV.  Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! Ugh.  Have to go for now and take some more meds to calm myself down.  Will be back to write as soon as I can.  Thanks for letting me rant.  I know it will all work out.  Always does... just very difficult time right now.

AJ